


Lessons in Seduction and Prank Wars

by Akira_of_the_Twilight



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-27
Updated: 2014-08-27
Packaged: 2018-02-15 00:18:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2208489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akira_of_the_Twilight/pseuds/Akira_of_the_Twilight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Slight AU Set After Changing Channels. </p>
<p>Castiel wanted Dean, Dean wanted Gabriel to leave him alone, Gabriel wanted all of the longing stares to stop, and Sam... Well, no one knew what Sam wanted, but he definitely wanted something.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Fanfic previously posted [ here](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9775469/1/Lessons-in-Seduction-and-Prank-Wars).

**Part 1**

Dean and Castiel were mind-numbingly stupid.

No one had told Gabriel when he'd signed up for Team Free Will that he'd be forced to witness hours of longing stares between his brother and the older Winchester. If someone had, he would have seriously considered letting humanity save itself, or at least, he would have demanded all love confessions be made before he joined the little group of rebels. He could picture Dean's sputtering reaction to such a demand as the human would mentally run through the short list of people he could claim to love, because of course the dimwit wouldn't consider Gabriel was referring to Castiel.

"Thanks, Cas." Dean sighed as he slumped onto the foot of the shabby motel bed he had claimed as his own. He rubbed his neck where a cut from a fight with a coven of witches had been prior to Castiel healing the wound.

Castiel hovered over Dean, his knee brushing against the human's as he pierced Dean with an intense blue gaze. "I believe the correct terminology is, 'No problem,' Dean."

Dean smiled, and if it wasn't full of adoration that screamed, "I'm so proud of my socially awkward angel and his many cute attempts to sound normal," Gabriel did not know what did.

Gabriel pushed down the urge to stick his finger in his mouth and feign gagging. He had to do something about this.

"Whatever you are scheming, don't do it on my bed," Sam's voice came from behind him.

Gabriel twisted his neck in time to see Sam dabbing at a cut on his cheek with a tissue. How the younger Winchester didn't comment on the obvious favoritism Castiel displayed, Gabriel did not know.

"Wouldn't dream of it, Sasquatch."

Sam shot Gabriel a warning look as he tossed the tissue into the trashcan then marched himself into the bathroom. That of course left Gabriel alone with Romeo and frickin' Juliet, both of who were still staring at each other as if a minute had not just gone by. Such behavior was expected of Castiel—the little weirdo—but Dean "I don't do chick flick moments" Winchester? How had the older Winchester not caught on to his crush yet?

Gabriel stood up and whistled sharply as if trying to get a dog's attention. He chuckled when Dean and Castiel's heads popped up in unison. "Sorry to break up this love fest, but it seems my little brother and I need a heart to heart before everyone dies of sexual tension."

"I don't believe it is possible to—"

"Oh, it is possible, Castiel." Gabriel grinned at the ultimate head-tilt of confusion Castiel gave him.

Dean's body went rigid, and his fingers twitched as he glanced at his angel crush, giving away his not-so-secret desire to grab Castiel. "If there's something you have to say to Cas then—"

"Dean, Dean, Dean," Gabriel sing-songed as he shook his head in feigned disappointment. "The reason we've had so many issues in the past is because I _don't_ want to harm any of my siblings. Trust me, your future boyfriend is safe with me."

Dean opened his mouth to protest, but Gabriel really did not need to hear anymore of the hunter's grating voice. With a snap of his fingers he transported Castiel and himself within the Impala, because wouldn't it be hilarious if Dean came outside and spotted the two angels fooling around in his vehicle?

"What do you wish to discuss?" Castiel asked.

Gabriel's lips curled upward. "Ah, Castiel, this is why your one of my favorites, straight to the point. I just want to know when you're going to make an honest man out of Dean."

Castiel frowned. "While Dean can be deceitful at times, it is usually when he is attempting to protect unsuspecting humans from the supernatural or discover the reason behind mysterious deaths. Otherwise, he is quite honest."

Gabriel sighed and slumped in his seat. "It's just an expression, Castiel. It means I want to know when you and Dean will finally do the horizontal tango."

Castiel's brow knitted in concentration. "I believe I have heard Dean use that phrase in reference to sex."

Gabriel's face lit up. "Now we're getting somewhere. So when are you two going to do it, because, trust me, all that pent up sexual tension isn't good for either of you."

Castiel's shoulders rammed together and a look of utter panic fell across his face. "Dean is in danger?"

Gabriel smacked a hand over his face. He groaned. This was exactly why he hadn't zapped Castiel and Dean into another world like the TV land scenario. Castiel would never figure out what he was supposed to learn, and even if the two miraculously did admit their feelings, Dean would go back to hiding them as soon as he was free. The stupid hunter would probably brush it all aside by saying that they had to confess such feelings because of the spell, so they shouldn't hold themselves to it in real life, and naïve Castiel would nod his head and go along with it.

Sighing, Gabriel dropped his hand from his face. It was time to change battle tactics. "Okay, forget the sex talk. Just confirm one thing for me." He held up one finger to demonstrate. "Do you love Dean Winchester?"

"Yes."

Gabriel's eyebrows shot up his forehead. Okay, so he'd known for months that his little brother had feelings for Dean, but he had expected to go through a labyrinth of questioning to force the realization upon Castiel. "Well, if you know that then why haven't you jumped on that fine piece of ass? Oh, and no telling Dean-o I said that about him."

Castiel bowed his head. "If you are asking why I haven't pursued a relationship with him, it is because I am uncertain how to proceed. I am also currently in a male vessel, and Dean seems very uncomfortable with the notion of being intimate with another man. It is just easier this way, and I enjoy my time with him as it is."

Gabriel nodded, soaking in the new information while simultaneously formulating a plan in his head to help his baby brother. He smiled and clamped his hands on Castiel's shoulders. "All right little bro, as your big brother it is my duty to demonstrate to you how to seduce Dean Winchester and motivate you into action."

"That really isn't necessary."

Gabriel smirked. "Oh, it is, Cassie. It is."

* * *

A few days after his conversation with Castiel, Gabriel found himself in Casa de Winchester of the week, also known as another rat hole of a motel room, but hey, at least it had character and was inspirational. Yes, the brown water from the sink had inspired Gabriel to turn the liquid into Cola. He had considered making the poor excuse for H2O into a chocolate river, but the soda looked so close to what flowed from the tap prior, Gabriel wanted to see if one of the Winchesters wouldn't notice the difference until they tasted the Cola in their coffee.

He sat at the small table, barely big enough for two, with three boxes of pies as Gabriel waited for the Winchesters to come stumbling into the room.

He heard the Impala's door slam and the angry grumblings of Dean as he marched toward the motel room.

Gabriel glanced up at the ceiling. "Oh Castiel, if you aren't already with the love of your life, I suggest you come down here and see what you're missing."

Castiel appeared beside Gabriel. "Gabriel, what are you—"

The doorknob twisted with a click and was pushed aside to reveal Dean. Dean instinctually stiffened at the sight of two unexpected guests in the motel room. Right behind him, Sam reached for the gun at his waist; the younger Winchester was at a bad angle, and couldn't see what lay beyond the door, so he movements were based entirely on Dean's reaction. Dean's eyes flicked to Castiel and he visibly relaxed.

Like a chain reaction, the stiffness in Castiel's shoulders vanished.

Then Dean's eyes landed on Gabriel and all the tension returned to the room. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Nice seeing you too, Dean-o."

"Gabriel?" Sam poked his head over Dean's shoulder. A frown marred that normally baby sweet face of his.

Gabriel threw his hands out at his sides and beamed. "The one and only."

"That still doesn't tell us why you are here." Dean had planted himself in the doorframe, refusing to budge an inch, even as Sam tried to circle around him to get inside the room.

"Jeez, Dean. You act like I haven't agreed to join your team." Gabriel cocked his head at the boxes of pie. "Guess I'll just take these and be going then."

Dean's suspicious gaze jumped to the stack of beige boxes. Slowly, he trudged into the room, earning a grateful sigh from Sam as he moved out of the taller boy's way. Dean stopped in the middle of the room, his eyes widened when he finally saw through the plastic covering what lay inside the boxes. He took an involuntary step forward then scowled and returned to his previous position. "This better not be some trick, you sick bastard."

Sam, who had paused in front of his bed to fling down his bag, frowned at the exchange between Gabriel and Dean.

Castiel wore a similar expression, albeit slightly intrigued.

Gabriel held up one hand. "Please, Dean, if you knew anything about me, you would know sweets are off limits when it comes to pranks."

"Oh really?" Disbelief coated Dean's voice.

Gabriel rolled his eyes then snapped his fingers, making a plate with a slice from one of the pies appear in his hands with a fork. He plucked up the utensil and hummed in delight as he scooped up a sweet bite of apple pie and swallowed it.

Gabriel did his best not grin like the cat who caught the canary when Dean's fingers subtly twitched and his posture shifted so he leaned ever so slightly toward the pie.

A flash of understanding passed through Castiel's blue eyes and he shot Gabriel a disapproving look.

Gabriel grinned up at his little brother. "What's wrong, Cassie? Jealous?"

Castiel opened his mouth to protest—that's what Gabriel assumed—but before he could utter anything Gabriel snapped a forkful of pie into the angel's mouth.

Castiel made a choking sound then swallowed the dessert. "Gabriel," he coughed in warning.

Dean covered his mouth to stifle a chuckle, but his quaking shoulders and the glimmer of amusement in his eyes gave away his true feelings. When Castiel pouted in his own special way, because of course the angel was so socially awkward he couldn't even pout properly, Dean chuckled once more. "Sorry, man, but that was funny." Dean strolled over to the table and pulled out the second rickety chair.

"I don't see the humor."

Dean rolled his eyes as he yanked one of the boxes toward him.

Gabriel raised an eyebrow at the action.

Dean smirked. "You're not the only one with a sweet tooth. Now how about you using some of your powers and summoning me a fork?"

"That would be a grievous misuse of his—"

"Here you go." Gabriel cut Castiel off with a snap that brought a fork into existence right in front of Dean. He then twisted in his seat to wink at Castiel. "Not like using my powers to fetch a fork is going to kill someone, Cassie. Lighten up."

Castiel slumped in defeat, his eyes sliding towards Dean, who had flipped open the box's lid.

That's when Gabriel noticed that one member of their quartet was being very quiet and had yet to join the group by the shoddy table built for one and a half.

Sam hadn't moved from his spot in front of his bed. Wrinkles lined his forehead as he studied the trio, or more specifically, Gabriel. At first, Gabriel thought that the younger Winchester was looking on with distrust, but upon further inspection, that wasn't quite the right emotion on the young hunter's face. His features were pinched in concentration as if he were trying to solve a puzzle or come up with a strategy of some sort.

Whatever the look, it wasn't important. "You going to continue to stand there wallflower, or are you going to join the rest of the boys and girls at prom?"

The corner of Sam's mouth twitched upward. "This is a poor excuse for a prom."

"Like you would know," Gabriel countered, shoving a bite of pie into his mouth. He moaned at the delicious taste. He almost giggled in glee when at the exact same time Dean took his first mouthful of pie and made a similar sound.

Sam and Castiel both jerked in startlement at the shared action between their brothers—Castiel's being far more subtle than Sam.

After a moment of stunned silence between the younger siblings in the room that had Gabriel internally cackling, Sam finally decided to join the group. He maneuvered himself around the bed, charging toward the trio, only for the toe of his foot to get caught on the bed frame's foot.

Some distant part of Gabriel mentally shouted, "Timber!" as Sam stumbled toward the table. Complete horror and amazement at what Gabriel knew was to come held him in place. Sam toppled into the table, his chest smashing into the boxes of the pies, sending blueberry and cherry bits splattering across the room. Not even the apple pie that Dean had yanked closer to his chest upon Sam's initial trip was safe, as Gigantor's flailing arm knocked it from Dean's hands onto his lap.

Silence filled the room.

Aghast, Dean looked down at his lap that was stained with apple and pie crust. "You killed my pie," he whispered as if broken.

Gabriel slow clapped then whistled. "I heard tall people were clumsy, but I always thought you were the exception Sasquatch. Guess I was wrong."

Sam's cheeks reddened and he pushed himself off the table. His chest was coated in a mishmash of pie entrails.

"Are you all right, Sam?" Castiel stepped forward, looking ready to heal if needed.

"Yeah, don't worry about it." Sam ran his hand over his chest, his nose scrunching as he brought his hand covered in a blue and red mess to his face. He hooked his hands around the bottom of his shirt and eased it off him, revealing a well-toned set of abs, that Gabriel couldn't help but glance at—seriously, how did the Winchesters get so ripped? Gabriel had seen plenty of hunters in his time, and while most of them were fit, none of them had the type of body made for modeling, unlike the duo of angst and repressed emotions.

Sam strolled into the bathroom. The lock clicking into place, snapped Gabriel out of his musings in time to see Dean gather up the crushed boxes of pies and carry them to the garbage bin. A forlorn expression occupied his face, and Gabriel wouldn't be surprised if Dean were giving the pies a silent ode before tossing them away.

"I could always snap in more," Gabriel said.

Dean perked up like a dog promised a bone. "You're not fucking with me, right?"

Gabriel tried to speak, but Castiel placed a hand in front of his chest, silently communicating that Gabriel needed to back off from his man (that's how Gabriel was interpreting it no matter what anyone said). "Summoning pie into existence is unnecessary. If you want sustenance, Dean, then I will fetch it for you."

It was barely noticeable, but a tinge of pink tainted Dean's cheeks even as he maintained his gruff expression. He shrugged off Castiel's offer. "Nah. It'd be weird. It's be like I was treating you like some errand boy."

Gabriel snorted. Send Castiel to fetch a pie? That's demeaning and an abuse of friendship. Demand Castiel say, "Fuck you" to the divine plan and constantly come in to save Dean's ass? That was love and respect. Dean needed his head cracked open to check for sanity and be given a road map to his feelings, because obviously somewhere along the route of falling for Castiel he had gotten lost.

Castiel lips pressed together in a small pout. "Are you certain, Dean? I can fetch a pie within a few seconds for you."

Dean smiled. "Don't worry about it. Besides, someone's gotta clean up this mess while Klutz-erella makes herself beautiful for the ball."

Castiel nodded, his lips curling into a small, dainty smile.

…And the intense loving stare match began again.

Gabriel rolled his eyes.

The bathroom door banged open, and a fuming Sam with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist stormed out. Even from a distance he smelled exceptionally sweet, and Gabriel was momentarily puzzled as he ruminated on the possible cause. Sam pushed back dripping locks of hair from his face as he scowled at Gabriel. "Why does our shower produce nothing but soda?"

Gabriel blinked, recalling what he had done only minutes ago. He grinned, putting a finger to his lips as he hummed exaggeratedly in thought. "I suppose changing the water in the sink to Cola would effect the shower, wouldn't it?"

* * *

Gabriel spent the next few days tormenting some scumbag that was siphoning money from donation funds to terminally ill children. It had been fun to watch as with each dollar the man spent from his stolen cache, he slowly went insane from the cries of the children he'd stolen from, until he fessed up to his crime to his executive assistant. Gabriel had been certain the man was going to kill himself, but having the man arrested and the money returned to the children was satisfying.

It was as the man was being cuffed and taken to jail that Gabriel heard Dean's plea for help aimed at Castiel. "Angel Radio" was quite the apt description for Heaven's little gossip channel, because just like a radio all it took was a few adjustments, and even a prayer sent to Castiel could be picked up by another angel.

Gabriel flew to where the distress call had come from, finding himself in the parlor of a ritzy manor. There wasn't time for admiring the over-priced rug on the floor or the hundreds of plates of fine china stuffed in mahogany cabinets. Dean was pinned on a broken coffee table—Gabriel guessed Dean's impact was what broke the innocent piece of furniture—by a ghoul who was chomping at the bit to get at Dean's throat.

Well, since the female ghoul seemed to like necks so much, it only seemed appropriate to seized her by the jugular and fling her into the china cabinet, shattering the glass doors and plates.

Castiel appeared next to Dean right then. "Gabriel?" It would take a deaf person not to hear the shock in Castiel's voice at finding his older brother there.

Dean gasped for air and scrambled for the machete that had been flung aside during his struggle with the ghoul.

The ghoul growled as its legs wobbled.

Gabriel and Castiel drew their blades at the same time, but Gabriel was closer. With one swing he sliced off the ghoul's head. The body hit the ground like a sack of potatoes while the head bounced and rolled like a dropped coin.

Dean pushed himself onto his feet, staring slack-jawed at Gabriel as he tried to catch his breath. Castiel touched Dean's elbow, helping the human up.

"Gabriel?" Dean gasped. "I thought—"

Gabriel flung himself at Dean, wrapping his arms around the hunter's neck. "Oh Dean! I thought I almost lost you!"

Dean flinched and jumped in Gabriel's arms. His hand went straight for Gabriel's elbows. He desperately tried to dislodge the archangel. "Get off of me."

"But Dean," Gabriel whined. "I saved your life. I'm supposed to get a kiss."

Undetectable to the human eye, Castiel's grace flared with indignation.

Gabriel turned to see that the normal blank expression on Castiel's face was replaced with a glare that was reserved only for enemies. It took all of Gabriel's willpower not to snicker.

"Dean does not appreciate your embrace. Release him."

The venom that laced Castiel's voice had the opposite effect of what was intended. Instead of making Gabriel's courage shrivel like a dried out plant, it made his mischief and sadistic glee blossom at the promise of mayhem.

"Don't wanna." Gabriel nuzzled his face into Dean's shoulder.

Dean spluttered and shoved at Gabriel to no avail. In fact, it made Gabriel squeeze tighter as a stream of scenes from a bunch of Looney Toon cartoons featuring Pepé Le Pew filled his head. What could he say? He admired the skunk's tenacity, even if he was a stalker with a rapist mentality. Besides, it was really the black cat's reactions to his advances that made the cartoon so funny, just like how Dean's minor panic attack tickled his insides.

Castiel's grip on his blade tightened. He made to grab Gabriel and forcibly remove him when footsteps interrupted their little tug-of-war.

Sam ran into the room with his machete raised. Drops of blood decorated his face and clothes. He skidded to a halt at the edge of the room.

A moment passed in which everyone stared at each other.

Then Sam bitch-faced. "Are you kidding me?" He sheathed his machete and stomped out of the room.

Dean reached for his brother. "Wait, Sam! Friggin' help me, at least!"

Gabriel sniggered, closing his eyes in the process. Suddenly two fingers pressed onto his forehead, and before Gabriel could stop his little brother, he was whisked away by Castiel, reappearing in a park a few blocks away from where they had left Dean and Sam.

Castiel stood in front of Gabriel, seething. "You will cease your romantic advances toward Dean Winchester."

Gabriel clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth in a reprimanding manner as he wagged his finger at Castiel. "Now, now Castiel. I was only trying to help."

"By making Dean uncomfortable?"

Gabriel huffed. "No, you moron. By demonstrating what it is you gotta do to win Dean over."

"Considering his reactions toward you, I doubt—"

Gabriel pressed his finger to Castiel's lips, effectively silencing his brother. "Toward me." He wiggled his eyebrows knowingly. "Now if it were you, he might be thrown off a bit at first, but after a while…" Gabriel made a flourished gesture with his hand. "Well, you know."

The shoulders of Castiel's vessel bunched together, and his eyes darted about as if searching for an argument against Gabriel. Finally, his gaze settled and he leveled Gabriel with a serious look. "Even so, do not demonstrate on Dean."

"No can do, bro."

Castiel took a step toward Gabriel, leaving only a few inches between them as he tried to intimidate Gabriel into obedience. It was actually kind of cute that Castiel thought he could put any bit of fear into Gabriel. Really. It was like watching a kitten chase a Rottweiler. "You will stop."

Gabriel poked Castiel on the forehead, pushing the angel's face a few inches away from his. "You see, I can't do that, because this isn't just about teaching you how to pursue Dean. This is also about getting it through your thick skull that as long as you wait on the sidelines people are just going to keep coming in and taking what's yours."

"Dean is not a possession."

Gabriel smacked Castiel on the shoulder. "Well, then maybe you shouldn't have marked him."

"It wasn't intentional. It was the only way to—"

"Yada yada yada." Gabriel shoved one hand in his jeans and used the other one to make talking puppet gestures. He backed away from Castiel. "Listen, you want me to leave Dean alone, there's only one way I am going to do that, and now that you know what it is, I'll be going." With a snap, he returned to his life of teaching the morally corrupt lessons through cruel and unusual means.

* * *

The air in the strip club was rife with various smokes ranging from innocent uses of tobacco to much stronger means of relaxation and an overabundance of cheap perfume. Dean looked like a kid in the candy store as he watched the scantily clad strippers work the stage and poles.

Gabriel would be the first to admit taking Dean out to a strip club seemed detrimental to the whole "get Dean and Castiel to finally admit their feelings" plan, but hey, Castiel wasn't the only one who needed some loving. Also, as crazy as it sounded, taking Dean out for one hell of show still fell under teaching Castiel what to do to seduce Dean. Obviously, the strippers knew how to do it, so if Castiel paid attention to them then he could pick up a few pointers—too bad Castiel wasn't there. The other point that Gabriel could argue, is that he was demonstrating the need to find common interests. It just so happened Dean and Gabriel shared an appreciation for the female body.

"Awesome," Dean whispered as one of the strippers approached him, a look that promised wicked things to come on her rouge lips.

Gabriel sipped his martini as he smirked into the glass, enjoying the view of two twins working the pole together.

"I never would have believed it," Sam's voice cut through Gabriel's thoughts of twisting bodies and an amazing threesome. Gabriel craned his head back, prepared to hit Sam with one of his flirtatious smirks and offer the man a lap dance when he saw that Sam wasn't alone.

Storm cloud Castiel was back with a vengeance. "You took Dean to a den of iniquity."

Just as Sam's voice had interrupted Gabriel's fun time, it seemed even with hot girl rubbing herself against Dean, the older Winchester could not ignore the voice of his angel. "Cas?" Incredulity coated his voice. Indecision flashed through his eyes as he looked between Castiel and the stripper.

The girl paused in her ministrations, taking in the sight of Sam and Castiel. Sam was pinching his nose as if he were suffering a migraine and Castiel looked positively livid. Keeping up her act of professionalism, she smiled and flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Want me to come back when you boys are done with your discussion?"

Mind finally catching up to the situation, Dean flashed her a smile. "Yeah."

The girl left, beelining it to a group of men in suits seated closer to the stage.

Once she was gone, Dean scowled. "Scaring away the strippers is not cool, Cas."

Cas stepped toward Dean. "While I would normally not interfere with your… carnal activities, this seems to be part of one of my brother's ploys."

Gabriel laughed. "Oh yes, Cassie. Tell Dean-o exactly what my master plan is."

Castiel's jaw snapped shut tight. He couldn't reveal Gabriel's reasons for bringing Dean to the strip joint without casting suspicion on himself.

Someone swatted Gabriel on the head.

Sam glared down at Gabriel. "Play nice."

Gabriel raised a thin eyebrow at Sam then focused his attention on Castiel. "You really brought bucko here as your back up?"

"Okay will someone explain to me what's going on? Quickly too, I'd like to get back to enjoying myself." Dean's face was red with annoyance as he looked between his three companions for answers.

Castiel looked sheepishly down at his feet.

Gabriel smirked.

Sam crossed his arms and huffed.

"So no one wants to tell me anything?"

Sam sighed, unfolding his arms and moving toward his brother. "Not exactly my story to tell. Just go back to the motel. Gabriel is being an ass, even if you can't tell how so." Seconds passed in which the brothers communicated silently with one another in away that would be almost as sickening as Castiel and Dean's stare fests, but it didn't carry any of the adoration or same level of entrancement as the angel-human couple's. There was a lot of frowning, head shaking, glances between strippers and the angels that ended with Dean gazing longingly at the stage before nodding in assent.

Head hanging low, Dean strolled toward the exit, with Sam by his side, patting his shoulder in sympathetic reassurance.

Gabriel brow scrunched as he watched the two make their exit. It seemed he had underestimated the power of brotherly trust.

Castiel wasn't smiling as he watched the two hunters go, but his grace glowed brightly within his vessel, making his joy obvious to any angel nearby.

It made Gabriel feel like he'd lost the game, and he wasn't always the best of losers, especially when the winners were radiating with joy. He launched out of his seat. "Hey, Dean."

The Winchester siblings paused but didn't look back.

Oh, but they would look back.

Gabriel grinned wickedly. "You're about to miss the best part." Gabriel snapped his fingers.

There was a cry of surprise from Castiel right before he vanished from Gabriel's side.

The Winchesters whirled. Their hands reached for their weapons, even though no danger was imminent.

Castiel reappeared on the stage a second later gripping the stripper pole with nothing but a pair of black boxers on. Wide-eyed and panicked, Castiel flinched, desperate to remove his hands from the pole and flee, but something invisible held him in place.

Gabriel pressed his fingers to his lips and wolf-whistled as a beam of light from out of nowhere landed on Castiel.

Either the crowd appreciated the male form as much as the female one or the people were seeing something much different than what was actually on stage.

Dean cursed, barreling through the throng of people to the edge of the stage, Sam hot on his heels. Dean pressed his palms against the stage, ready to heave himself onto it, but the same force that held Castiel in place shoved Dean two steps back. Like an animal, Dean snarled as he spun on Gabriel.

Dean dashed forward and seized Gabriel by his jacket's lapel. "You get him off that stage, now."

Gabriel held up his hands in an insincere placating gesture. "Sorry, it's out of my hands now. If Castiel wants down, then it's up to him."

"You sick sonofa—" Dean cut himself off, ducking his gaze down as he scrounged for some argument that might actually help Castiel. "He's your brother!"

"Oh please, Dean, like you haven't humiliated your brother before."

"I never put him on a stripper pole."

"Want to?" Gabriel lifted his hand, posed to snap, in offering.

Sam, who had been scrutinizing the area around the stage for any indication of a weakness in the barrier that was preventing the Winchesters from rescuing Castiel, flinched. His expression twisted into one of distaste, but him didn't aim it at Gabriel—probably hoping that if he ignored Gabriel's bait he wouldn't be the next victim of the archangel.

Dean shoved Gabriel's shoulder. "Just get him off stage."

Gabriel huffed, and batted Dean's grimy hands off his jacket. "I told you, I can't. If Castiel wants off he's got to work it like those fine ladies just a few moments ago."

Dean's jaw dropped for a millisecond, then quickly rammed his mouth shut. There was scrunch of Dean's face as he staved off a reaction. Red rose up his neck to his cheeks as he cleared his throat. "All right. Turn around." Dean didn't even give, Gabriel an opportunity to protest before clasping his hand on Gabriel's back and "forcing" Gabriel to look away from Castiel.

"You too, Sam," Dean hollered over his shoulder.

"Dean?" Castiel inquired.

"Just," Dean swallowed hard on a lump in his throat. "Just copy what you saw the girls doing earlier. It's not like anyone will see what you do." Dean tightened his grip on Gabriel. "Right?" His tone was a warning.

Gabriel scoffed. "As if I want to see my brother shaking his butt on a stripper pole."

"Says the guy who put us in this situation," Sam grumbled.

Without thinking, Gabriel turned his head toward Sam, ready to respond with a witticism, but Dean grabbed Gabriel by the head and forced him to break eye contact.

"I said no looking!"

Gabriel resisted the urge to smack Dean. "I wasn't peeping at your boyfriend."

"Shut up!" Dean shoulders jumped to his ears, and the dust of red across his cheeks turned crimson. "Just let us know when the spell wears off, Cas, okay?" Dean said in a soft voice.

"Yes, Dean."

"Aw…" Gabriel poked Dean's cheek. "Aren't you two precious?"

"I said, 'Shut up!'"

* * *

Gabriel took his time answering Dean's prayer when the older Winchester contacted him the next day. He was not stupid; he knew Dean would want to bitch him out for his little stint with Castiel in the strip joint the other day. So he took his time being spoon-fed a three tier fudge cake by two super models he'd conjured in the luxury suite of a hotel two states away from where Team Free Will had taken residence for the week. He believed the Winchester's had mentioned something about a ghost, but he had been too busy caring about anything else.

As the brunette model in nothing but a bikini pressed the last bite of cake to Gabriel's lips, the archangel raised his fingers to snap away the beauties and any evidence that he had been in the hotel. The final piece of cake slid between his lips and he snapped while groaning in delight at the sheer sweetness. He took a few seconds to enjoy the after taste, then snapped himself to where Dean had prayed for him.

The expensive furniture and decorations of the suite were replaced by a warehouse missing chunks of its ceiling. Forgotten metal crates lined the walls, and Dean leaned against one with his eyes shut and his arms crossed.

Gabriel whistled lowly. "You boys really are stubborn. You called, what? A half hour ago, and you're still waiting?"

Dean's eyelids flew open and his face hardened.

"Aw, don't look so mad, babe. I was just being fashionably late."

Dean grunted, pushing himself off the crate. He kept his arms crossed with his right hand tucked in his left elbow. He sauntered toward Gabriel with a metaphorical gray cloud over his head that Gabriel was tempted to make less metaphorical. "What you did to Cas was not right."

Gabriel feigned exasperation with a sigh. He shoved his hands in his jacket pockets. "Do we really have to go over this again?" He removed one hand from his coat and pointed at his face. "Trickster, remember? And Cas is my little brother. C'mon, Dean. Like you couldn't see that coming?"

"Yeah, and I also know that you like to target assholes, which Cas isn't. …Most days." Dean scrunched his face as if mulling something over then shook his head to clear it. "The point is, you know Cas didn't deserve what you did to him."

"Aw," Gabriel did his best impression of a woman cooing over a baby. "Are you going to make me apologize? Play knight in shining armor?"

The permanent frown on Dean's face melted into a smirk. "No, but since Cas is not used to this game, I'm tapping in."

Gabriel frowned as Dean unfolded his arms. Sunlight from the cheese-grater like roof bounced off the surface of something shiny in Dean's right hand. There was a click and an orange flame sparked to life.

Realization slammed into Gabriel. His grace flared and his wings beat as flames burst around him, encircling him. Panic crashed into Gabriel, and his vessel's heart pounded in his chest. Gabriel kept his features in check, hiding away any signs of nervousness at being trapped in a ring of holy fire and at the mercy of Dean Winchester. "Ooooh. What are you going to do to me? Poke me with a ninety-nine and a half foot pole?"

The smugness wouldn't leave Dean's face. Even his strut as he returned to the crate he'd leaned against prior revealed just how utterly proud of himself he was. "I'm glad to hear you like musicals, Gabriel."

Oh, Dean would pay. Gabriel could have let the mortal off the hook for capturing him since it was done in the name of Castiel, but the arrogance Dean emitted guaranteed retribution.

Dean rounded the crate and for a moment, Gabriel couldn't see the older Winchester. There was a scraping sound, and Dean carted out a small TV with a built-in VCR on a dolly. A thick, orange extension cord was attached to said TV.

Dean grinned from ear to ear as he hit the power button followed by the play button.

A young Julie Andrews in a green field singing _The Hills Are Alive_ flickered onto the screen.

Gabriel sucked in a sharp breath. "You son of a bitch!"

Dean patted the top of TV. "Enjoy." He whistled to himself as he sashayed—because no matter how much Dean would argue later, that was exactly what he was doing right then—out of the warehouse, leaving Gabriel there to watch the _The Sound of Music_.

One screening was torture enough.

Gabriel almost screamed when the VCR automatically rewound the tape and played the movie again.

* * *

Gabriel relaxed and crossed his feet at his ankles as he admired Dean's sleeping face next to him. Even in his sleep, the older Winchester, looked like he was having a bad day. Gabriel was all too happy to make it worse.

"Excuse me, sir?" A flight attendant dressed in blue with her hair done up in a ponytail smiled politely at Gabriel as she pushed the snack cart just a little past him. "Would you like something to drink?"

"No, thank you." Gabriel waved her away cordially.

"How about your friend?"

Gabriel glanced at Dean then back at the woman. "Perhaps later." Gabriel resisted the upward curling of his lips that would giveaway his mischievous intent.

The woman moved on, and Gabriel took a moment to enjoy how her uniform hugged her bottom perfectly.

He then leaned into Dean's side and breathed in the sleeping hunter's ear. Dean's brow furrowed and he squirmed in his seat. The sight made Gabriel positively giddy. "Oh, Dean-o. Wake up, sunshine, or you're going to miss the best part of the day."

Dean's shoulders rammed together and his hand flew behind himself for his gun before he had even opened his eyes. The second those hazel peepers were open though, the blood drained from Dean's face, and the hunter white-knuckled the arms of his seat. "What the hell?" He whispered harshly. His head darted about as he tried to make sense of what he was doing on a plane.

_Phase One: complete. Phase Two: Initiate_.

The plane quaked, and Gabriel did not miss the high pitched squeak that escaped Dean.

The hunter's knees smacked together, and his already pale grip on his seat's arms grew whiter.

A musical chime filled the aircraft. "We're are experiencing some turbulence. The seatbelt light should be on," The captain's voice came over the intercom just as the yellow seatbelt light flashed above Gabriel and Dean's heads. "If you have not already put on your seatbelt, please do so now."

Dean looked down at his lap to find that he wasn't strapped in. His breathing increased as he pried his hand from his seat and patted the area around his lap for his seatbelt. His jaw dropped and his hands trembled when he found none. "I-I don't have a seatbelt."

Gabriel put on a mocking frown. "Really, Dean? That's not good. That has to be against regulation to take off with a seatbelt missing. I mean, someone could die."

Dean shoved his head between his knees and took deep breaths. Suddenly his hand squeezed Gabriel's leg in what human's would consider a bone-crushing grip. "You get me the fuck out of here, you sick bastard."

"But Dean," Gabriel whined, "we're going to Vegas."

Dean lifted his head out from between his legs long enough to shake his head—his face was looking a little green. "Don't want to go to Vegas."

"But Dean, I hear there's a special showing of _The Sound of Music_ at one of the strip clubs there."

Dean body shot up like a rod, and he gaped at Gabriel.

Gabriel smirked. "Payback's a bitch, ain't it?"

Dean scowled for a second just before the plane dropped several feet and shook. He gasped for breath as the plane stabled itself.

Taking one last look around, Dean's face scrunched as if in pain. "Cas." His voice trembled over the name.

"Gabriel."

Gabriel looked up at Castiel, who was staring down at him disapprovingly from the narrow aisle of the plane. "Hey, little bro. What's up?"

Castiel reached across Gabriel, placing two fingers to Dean's forehead. The hunter visibly relaxed at the small contact. Castiel leveled his blue gaze with Gabriel. "You will cease aggravating, Dean Winchester."

Castiel and Dean vanished with the sound of flapping wings.

Gabriel sunk into his chair and snapped a Mud Slide into his hand. Really, Castiel should be thanking him. After all, Gabriel's little revenge scheme had given Castiel the chance to play Superman for his Lois Lane. What could be more romantic than rescuing a damsel in distress from her greatest fear?

* * *

Something was up, but Gabriel had no idea what. It had been two weeks since the airplane incident and until just a few minutes ago, there had been no word from the Winchesters. He'd expected at least one of them to bitch at him. Now he was sitting in a cheap booth in some random diner in the middle of nowhere with a waiting staff that looked ready to retire.

Sam shifted next to him as he nibbled on a leaf of lettuce from his salad. The giant was plastered against Gabriel's side, and while normally Gabriel would make comment, the bench was so obviously not meant for two and there was no bigger booth. Sure there were tables and chairs, but even Gabriel had to admit that he didn't trust the rickety pieces of furniture to hold the massive weight of the Winchesters.

Gabriel eyed the pepper bottle and the cheese burger Dean had left unprotected across from him—the older Winchester had made some comment about using the restroom. His fingers twitched with the urge to play such a simple and easy prank. He reached out for the pepper, only for a large hand to engulf his.

Gabriel glanced up at Sam, who had his "no nonsense" face on.

Gabriel wiggled his eyebrows. "Are you really always a killjoy, or do you just want to touch me?"

"You flirt with everyone, or am I just special?"

Excitement and anticipation sparked in Gabriel's stomach. He wasn't a fighter, but that didn't mean he didn't enjoy a game of witty banter, and sadly, Sam Winchester was the only person even slightly on par with him. Dean could reference movies until he was blue in the face and had the sass, but take Dean out of his element and he floundered. Castiel had the knowledge, but he lacked finesse in his presentation.

Gabriel batted his eyelashes. "Oh Sam, you'll always be special to me."

Sam bowed his head and shook it, causing the tresses to brush against his cheeks. "That's depressing."

"Why is that, Sasquatch?"

Sam shrugged. "You're just one on a list things I needed to stab."

Gabriel threw his hand over his heart. "Ouch. Sam that hurt. After I have dedicated my life to your cause, I am nothing more than a trickster to you?"

A light danced in Sam's eyes, and Gabriel was pleased to see the younger Winchester amused. He became sick of Sam's somber attitude real quick, so whenever he could encourage any emotion that wasn't agnst from Sam he always gave himself a mental pat on the back.

"Maybe if you left Cas and Dean alone, I might see you as something more."

Gabriel held up is his hands in a helpless gesture. "I would if I could."

Sam's pursed his lips then opened his mouth to speak, but that was when Dean slid into the bench across from the archangel and Sam.

"Gabriel, you're not going to believe what I saw on the TV on the way to the bathroom."

"I really don't think I want to know what you saw," Gabriel deadpanned.

"I think you would." Dean picked up his burger with both hands, trying to play it casual, but that same air of smugness that had surrounded Dean when he captured Gabriel was back. "It was the newest episode of _Dr. Sexy M.D._ It was right at the end too. Dr. Sexy had just proposed to Callie in the elevator when Dr. Piccolo walked in on them, causing Callie to run off because she still thinks Dr. Sexy and Dr. Piccolo have a thing. Then just as she's running out of the hospital—bam!" Dean slammed his foot on the ground, jostling the table. "Gets hit by a car, driven by her deadbeat brother, who came back to town wanting make amends with her."

Gabriel was a statue.

Dean bit into his burger and hummed in delight. "This thing is so delicious. In fact, orgasmic. Speaking of orgasms, Dr. Sanders confessed that he hasn't had an orgasm since his wife passed."

Something died inside Gabriel, shuddering its last breath.

Sam touched Gabriel's shoulder. "Are you all right?"

The simple question ignited something in Gabriel and he slammed his hands down on the table. He jumped to his feet and glowered at Dean. "No one spoils my TV shows for me. No one."

"I believe I just did." Dean stood up and leaned across the table, his face inches from Gabriel's. "Bring it, bitch."

Sam buried his face in his hand. "Damn it, Dean."

* * *

Operation: Stop the Eye-fucking was on hold until Gabriel could exact proper revenge, that was until an idea popped into Gabriel's head that still fell under the category of "helping". After all, Gabriel's prank would also work as a demonstration for Castiel and might get a fire burning under that angel butt of his.

Gabriel appeared in the middle of the motel room Sam and Dean were staying at. The room was dark and Dean's snores could be heard from his bed. The older hunter was sprawled across the covers, mouth open, and drool staining his pillow. A bottle of whiskey dangled from his fingers.

Gabriel glanced at the other bed were Sam was bundled up. His hair peeked out from under the blankets.

_Perfect._ Well… not entirely perfect, Gabriel did prefer changing up his pranks a bit and this would be the second time he did something to Dean in his sleep, but the prank Gabriel had in mind was just too tempting.

He snapped Dean's and his clothes away, allowing himself to ogling the well-built specimen that would soon belong to his brother, which was why it was perfectly reasonable for Gabriel to look now. Once Castiel finally got his hands on Dean, Gabriel would never get another chance. Although, considering the handprint on Dean's shoulder, Gabriel might have to reconsider his wording, because Castiel had clearly had his hands on Dean at one point.

Humming to himself as he pictured the look on Dean's when he woke up naked next to Gabriel, the archangel merrily strolled to the bed. Just as his ass touched the edge of the mattress the lamp on the nightstand next to Sam clicked on.

Big, round eyes met Gabriel's and for a moment the archangel wasn't sure what was running through Sam's head. Gabriel flashed a grin, hoping to dissipate any negative feelings that might have a hold on Sam, but the younger Winchester just continued to stare at Gabriel in a way that looked like the earth had been pulled out from under him and he couldn't understand why he wasn't falling, why he was still there.

Sam sucked in a deep breath. "Gabriel, I swear if you have done anything besides remove his clothes, I am walking out that door and not coming back as long as you're around."

There was sharp sting in Gabriel's chest that had Gabriel momentarily baffled. He scoffed and sneered. "Jeez, bucko. I'm not a rapist."

"I don't care if it was willingly." Sam held his hand to his head and batted his hand about as if he could somehow physically shove away the unwanted thoughts in his head.

Gabriel contemplated diving into that train wreck of a brain, but he really didn't need to experience Sam's disgust at the notion of Dean and him having sex.

Sam rolled over so he was seated on the edge of his bed. He hunched and ran his hands through his hair as he dragged on a sigh. "You gotta stop doing this."

Gabriel cocked his head and raised one eyebrow. "Messing with Dean?" He shook his head. "Sorry, no can do."

Sam was as silent and ponderous as _The Thinker_. The thought sent a chill down Gabriel's spine as he remembered that _The Thinker_ sat atop an art piece known as _The Gates of Hell_. The comparison was a little too fitting for Gabriel's tastes, and he scrambled for a witty comment or joke to distract himself. "Is the thought of Dean and I having a roll around in the sack really so bad, kiddo? Because last time I checked, you weren't a cockblocker."

Sam raised his head, and a flash of calculation passed through his gaze. "I guess you could say, I'm a Destiel fan."

Gabriel almost fell off the bed at the admission. He sputtered. He raised a hand to his ear. "Say it again? I think my vessel must be broken, because there was no way I just heard that come out of your mouth."

Dean snores cut off and the older hunter's brow furrowed.

Gabriel waved his hand over Dean and the older Winchester's face went lax. His roaring snores returned a moment later.

Sam shrugged, playing off his confession like it wasn't a big deal. "Cas loves my brother, and Dean loves Cas. The only thing keeping them apart at this point is Dean's stubbornness."

"Just stubbornness?" Gabriel said playfully, although he was curious to hear more of Sam's thoughts on the matter.

"Considering his man-crush on Dr. Sexy isn't his first one, and I have caught him staring at Cas' ass more times than I want to remember, I am a little more than confident that Dean has a thing for women and men."

Gabriel grinned. "Glad to see we are on the same page."

Sam's face hardened. "Which is why I am not going to let his first relationship with a male be with someone who's just in it for sex."

Shock rippled through Gabriel and he sat up straight. He held up one hand in a placating manner. "Wow, hold on there, Gigantor. I am not after your brother's ass. I am on Team Destiel. I'm just trying to motivate Castiel while giving him a few ideas how to pursue Dean."

"Well, stop, because you suck at it."

Gabriel's jaw dropped. "Excuse me?"

Sam gestured at Gabriel. "All of this? You really think it's going to suddenly make Dean open up about his feelings? Dean can't screw the lid shut on his feelings fast enough." Sam narrowed his gaze. "Also, how stupid do you think I am? You and I know this prank you were about to pull was just that: a prank."

Gabriel stood up and snapped his clothes back on. "Fine, you got me. I just wanted to make Dean squirm, but that doesn't change the fact that I want our brothers together as much as you do." Gabriel flashed a charming smile as he sauntered over to Sam. He stuffed one hand in his jacket pocket while holding the other one out to Sam. "So come on, why don't we work together?"

Sam stared at the hand. His mouth formed a thin line as he mulled over Gabriel's offer. He raised his hand as if to accept Gabriel's.

Glee warmed Gabriel's insides.

Sam batted the hand away and rolled himself onto his bed. His back facing Gabriel. "Sorry, but I have my own plan, and you'd just ruin it."

Gabriel gaped. His thoughts collided like bumper cars. Sam was rejecting his help? A human was rejecting the help of an archangel—no the help of trickster—for a scheme? The sheer audacity! No! The idiocy! Sam should be begging for his help!

Gabriel's insides curled and knotted in an emotion he couldn't quite define. All he knew was that he was highly displeased. He'd planned to humiliate Dean, but now all of his ire belonged to Sam. He didn't have any plans concocted for the young Winchester, though.

He glanced at the window.

An idea hit him.

A few seconds later, Gabriel stood in the parking lot, admiring the once black Impala turned hot pink with flamingo rims and the Barbie logo on its trunk. Inside the seats were a neon pink leopard print and matching fuzzy dice hung from the mirror. Dean would be roiling when he saw his new and improved baby, which would be punishment enough for Sam. Of course, the real torture would be on the road when the only song flowing out the car's speakers would be _I'm a Barbie Girl_.

Gabriel ran over his prank again in his head and snapped his fingers. He'd almost forgotten to make sure the boy's wouldn't be able to turn off the radio.


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to point out that Gabriel references a played called M. Butterfly, which is not to be confused with Madame Butterfly. I highly recommend reading M. Butterfly, but for the sake of understanding Gabriel just know the story involves a cross-dresser tricking another man into thinking he's (the cross-dresser) a girl and having a relationship with aforementioned man.

**Part 2**

_Holy Crap! Gabriel you're not going to believe this! Get down here quick_ , Sam's voice rang out in Gabriel's head.

Gabriel sighed as he took one last glance around the Play Boy Mansion's grotto. About twelve barely of legal age girls played in the water, either in bikini's or completely naked. They giggled as they splashed around and interacted with each other. To leave such beauty pained Gabriel, but if Sam was praying to him then chances were the kid was in trouble.

He flew out of the mansion, expecting Sam's prayer to lead him to another abandoned warehouse, a forest, or some poor suburban house filled with monsters or demons. He was caught off guard when the stench of horse feces assailed his nostrils and he was met with the sight of a small horse ranch.

Sam stood in front of one of the barns, leaning against the door frame. He waved Gabriel in hurriedly before disappearing inside. Gabriel just barely caught the smile on Sam's lips.

Gabriel's stomach churned. Somber Sam smiling for no reason, and no Dean within twenty feet? Gabriel was definitely in trouble. He double-checked that he had his angel blade on him as he trudge into the barn.

Sam stood in front on one of the horse stalls, his fingers curled over the door as he whispered something to someone inside the stall.

Gabriel eased closer until he was right next to Sam. His stomach dropped and sweat broke out across his vessel as large dark horse eyes that belonged to a dark brown muzzle that Gabriel was all too familiar with pierced him. The stallion trotted forward in his stall and shook his black mane.

" _Loki,"_ The horse thought.

Gabriel's mouth went dry and awkwardness heaped onto his shoulders like a pile of bricks.

"I was doing some research, and found out that this ranch had a horse named Svaðilfari, and it got me curious." Sam turned wide, innocent light brown eyes on Gabriel. If the archangel didn't know what a clever human Sam was, he might have believed that Sam had simply called him to the ranch in his never-ending quest for knowledge. "Is it the same horse as the one in Norse myth?"

" _It's been a while, Loki_." The horse took a step closer, sticking its head over the door.

Gabriel shifted uncomfortably. "It's not him."

Svaðilfari's nostril's flared. _"Don't deny who I am, Loki._ "

Sam glanced between Gabriel and Svaðilfari. Sam either was a horse-whisperer or was just that sensitive to the emotions in a room, because he shook his head and backed up a few steps. "I think I am going to leave you two alone for a bit." Before Gabriel could protest, Sam ducked out.

Fury boiled Gabriel's blood. How dare Sam leave him at the mercy of Svaðilfari?

" _Sleipnir wants to meet you still._ "

Gabriel sighed as a headache thrummed through his vessel's skull. This conversation again. When would Svaðilfari realize that his blatant emotional manipulation would never work; it just made Gabriel hate him more. "You know I'm not his mom."

" _Yes, but the humans and their myths have made him curious. You know how children are."_

A painful sting in Gabriel's chest reminded him that he knew exactly how children were when it came to absent parents. Gabriel took a deep breath to rid himself of the pain. "Listen, I got better things to do than listen to you try to manipulate me into some weird relationship with you. You got me for one night and that's all you get. By the way, did anyone ever tell you the best way to win a girl over is not to chase after her like a raving lunatic?"

Gabriel didn't wait for a response before flying out of the barn and landing right in front of Sam. He decided to take a page out of Castiel's book and press himself so close to the Winchester that they were inches apart. The idea was to intimidate Sam, but the effect was diminished by the abundant height difference. "Forcing me to meet with an ex, that's low Sasquatch, and truthfully, I never thought you could reach that low."

Sam gave Gabriel a pointed look for the height jab, but did not protest the ethics—or lack thereof—of his actions. He sidestepped Gabriel and walked past the angel. He craned his head back just enough to glimpse at Gabriel, as he spoke, "I really was curious. You never mention having kids or any of your relationships with the other Pagan gods."

Because it wasn't any of Sam's business, Gabriel was tempted to say, but he kept quiet. Begrudgingly, he joined Sam at his side as they walked through the ranch. He was still sore about being tricked into seeing Svaðilfari again, but perhaps it was time to shed a little light on his past before Sam read a misleading myth and got himself killed because he talked to the wrong god. As much as Gabriel would have liked to keep his personal life private, he would be pissed if Sam died. "I don't have kids."

Sam's head snapped in Gabriel's direction, his eyes slightly wider than usual.

Gabriel chuckled at the giant human's surprise. "You really think I would have children running about when I'm trying to hide from Heaven? Come on, during all these years you must have come across magical children at some point. You know how out of control they are when it comes to power, even if they're born with it. Most of my 'children' are just people I would hang out with a lot. Can't say all those friendships ended on a high note though."

"So what other myths are untrue?" Sam was a hundred percent in researcher mode, which meant his attention was plastered to whatever was providing him information, and in this case it was Gabriel. At first the hunger in Sam's eyes threw Gabriel off, but once he realized that he was currently the center of Sam's world he found himself brimming with delight. He'd always been an attention whore when he wasn't hiding from his siblings.

"Mary wasn't a virgin."

Sam stopped mid-step. "Mary from the bible?"

Gabriel continued to sashay away, enjoying how Sam in his stupor watched him go. "Yup. Poor girl fell in love with some pretty boy, had sex, and pretty much on her wedding day found out she was pregnant. She would have been stoned to death, so I took pity on her and told Joseph my dad did it." Gabriel paused and looked over his shoulder with a grin. "Got to save a girl, and at my dad's expense. It was a pretty good day. It's also one of my best pranks ever, because to this day people believe it."

Sam just stood there looking like a codfish. After a minute of staring, he shook his head and mumbled something to himself as he marched toward the parking lot. "I don't know whether to be impressed or… I just don't know."

Gabriel patted Sam on the back. "There, there. I know it's difficult for a mere mortal to comprehend my awesomeness."

Sam snorted on a choked down chuckle. Amusement danced in his eyes as he walked up to the Impala and slid into the driver's seat.

"Where is your brother by the way?" Gabriel asked.

"Napping at the motel."

Sam shut the door. The window was rolled down about six inches, and Gabriel rested his fingers atop the glass' edge. "By the way, Sammy-kins. This means war. Complete, unmerciful, prank-filled war."

Sam smirked as he turned the key in the ignition. "Don't call me 'Sammy'."

He peeled out of the parking lot, Metallica blaring through the car's open window, and Gabriel couldn't deny the flip of excitement his stomach did at the prospect of a challenge.

* * *

Gabriel liked his pranks to serve poetic justice. They didn't always, but he was very pleased with himself whenever he could craft a prank that would truly teach his victims a lesson. So he spent a few days mulling over what prank would best suit Sam. He contemplated putting Sam in a world where he was married to all of his exes and they were trying to kill him for keeping it a secret from them, but then Gabriel remembered two of those exes were Jessica and Ruby, and even on his worst day he knew any prank involving those two would be in really bad taste, especially Ruby.

It wasn't until four days later that he realized the best prank he could pull would be a repeat of what had gotten him in this mess to begin with—disguising himself as a girl—but this time there would be no horse sex. He disguised himself as a beautiful blonde, reminiscent of Jessica—it was only wrong if he pretended to be Jessica, looking similar to her was another matter entirely—and went to the bar where he knew Dean and Sam were spending their evening.

The two hunters were seated at the bar, and Gabriel plopped himself on the stool next to Sam. He then ordered a drink in a feminine voice.

No reaction.

He brushed his elbow against Sam's arm. The younger Winchester shifted away from him and focused his attention on Dean.

Dean noticed Gabriel though, and smiled flirtatiously.

Gabriel contained his scowl—Dean was supposed to be going after Castiel—and turned his head away.

Gabriel did little things throughout the night, just hoping to catch Sam's eye, but not even an hour later Sam left without even sparing him a glance.

Gabriel tried again two nights later. As much as it rankled him to consider it, Ruby had seduced goody-two-shoes Sam into summoning Lucifer, so maybe a curvy brunette was the way to go? He created an illusion that gave him a similar build to Ruby, but none of her facial features, and he pulled his dark hair into a ponytail, letting some strands frame his face.

He waltzed into the second bar in low riding denim shorts that had every person with a sex drive and an attraction to ladies staring at him with a burning hunger. So Sam must have been asexual, because once again the damn kid refused to look at him.

Gabriel made a point of bumping into Sam as the tall hunter and his brother hustled a few guys at billiards. He quickly apologized, batting his eyelashes up at Sam, and he not so subtly ran his hands over Sam's chest.

It really was a nice chest. Nice and firm, but still somehow soft.

Gabriel's admiration of Sam's sternum was cut short, by Sam smiling as he eased Gabriel away and told Gabriel that the angel hadn't messed up his shot, so everything was fine. Gabriel offered to buy Sam a drink and the hunter turned him down, earning a disbelieving look from Dean.

After that, Sam went back to ignoring Gabriel.

It was the third night, a week later, and Gabriel looked over his disguise in the full-length mirror of the ritzy hotel room he was borrowing for the last few minutes. Red curls cascaded over petite, pale shoulders, and stopped just short of the sweetheart neckline of the floral summer dress Gabriel wore. He frowned. He had picked the dress because Sam seemed to like his ladies to have an air of innocence about them, but the dress was just a little too good-girlie. Gabriel summoned his olive jacket. He doubted the jacket would give away his identity—as if Sam was expecting Gabriel to pretend to be a girl to seduce him then reveal at the last second who he really was. It might even help Gabriel gain Sam's notice. The only other clue to his identity were his golden hazel eyes. He'd already tried blue and green, so why not his vessel's natural color?

Taking a deep breath to calm his irritated nerves, Gabriel snapped himself into the bar closest to where the boys were staying. As he expected, the two were already there. Sam was seated at the bar while Dean was off talking to a girl in a booth. Although, by the looks of one of the guys playing poker a few tables down, Dean wasn't going anywhere with that girl without a fight.

Gabriel contemplated whisking Castiel in to remind Dean where his heart really lay, but then Sam would know Gabriel was there.

Gabriel sauntered up to the bar, and considered his options. Previously he had ordered a drink to get Sam's attention, and that had failed. He then had offered Sam a drink and that had flailed too. Gabriel sat down quietly, and made a point of not waving the bartender over. From the corner of his eye, Gabriel waited for Sam to notice him, but the boy was oblivious.

The bartender finally came over. "What can I get you, miss?"

"I'm not sure. What's he having? It looks good." Gabriel pointed to Sam who was nursing a glass of whiskey.

Sam glanced at Gabriel for less than a second before returning to watch Dean strike out with the girl in the booth.

The blood in Gabriel's vessel heated to volcanic levels. He didn't even hear the bartender's answer, he just told the man to get him the same thing and slid his stool right next to Sam's so their thighs were pressing. The physical contact had Sam's body jerking into full attention within a second. He looked down at Gabriel, who flipped his red curls over his shoulder.

"What's a girl gotta do to get your attention?"

"Excuse me?" Sam leaned away. "Do I know you?"

Gabriel huffed. "I've been trying to get your attention all night, and you keep ignoring me."

"But you just got here," Sam defended although his heart wasn't in it. It was pretty clear by the dazed look on his face that Sam was operating on autopilot momentarily until his brain made sense of the situation.

Gabriel smirked and lied, "You've just proven my point. I've been here all along."

The bartender returned with a glass of whiskey, and Gabriel downed half of it. Sighing as he enjoyed the burn. The drink was crap compared to Mud Slides and Mai Tais but right now the sharp sting of alcohol left unhidden by chocolate or fruit was what he needed.

"So what gets your boy bits tingling, because I can't figure it out. Does my hair color turn you off? Is my butt too big? Too small? Do I need to be more domineering? You gotta tell me, because I am dying here."

Sam laughed a little bit, but there was tint of worry to his tone. Gabriel was coming off too strong, but he was too desperate and curious to care.

"I'm just not interested," Sam said.

Gabriel pouted. "But why?" After all the effort Gabriel had put into this plan, he was not giving up now.

Sam looked down at his beverage on the bar as if deciding whether to be honest or not. A second later he sighed and brought the glass to his lips. "There's someone else."

"There is?" That was the last thing Gabriel expected to hear.

A real chuckle escaped Sam. "Is it really that hard to believe?"

"Well…no. You are good looking, but…" Gabriel couldn't continue the sentence without giving away his identity. Sam never talked about being in a relationship with anyone. He hadn't even mentioned being interested in someone.

"Hey, Sammy."

Gabriel jumped in his seat as Dean sidled up behind him and the elder Winchester's breath tickled his ears. He could also feel Dean's chest against his back. The proximity caused Gabriel's annoyance to surge. Dean might have as nice a chest as Sam's, but 1.) Gabriel was talking to Sam about some critical information that he could use against Gigantor later, and 2.) Castiel.

"Who's your friend?" Dean smiled coyly at Gabriel, as the archangel craned his neck to look Dean in the eye.

Gabriel matched Dean's expression with one of his own, soaked in saccharine. "Go back to your boyfriend, pretty boy."

Dean's mouth fell open an inch.

Sam snickered behind his hand, and the sight and sound had Gabriel beaming with pride.

Between sniggers, Sam glanced at Gabriel from the corner of his eye. "Gabriel?"

Dean spluttered. "Gabriel?"

Gabriel mock pouted and leaned into Sam. "Aw, Sam, what gave me away?"

"You are sick." Dean wrenched himself away from Gabriel and returned to patrolling the bar for beauties.

"I really should just trap him and Castiel in a closet."

"Don't. You'll ruin my plan." Sam sipped his drink.

"And what is your plan?"

Sam smiled over the rim of his glass.

Gabriel heaved a sigh then waved the bartender over. "Two Mud Slides, and if you don't serve those then whatever the sweetest thing on the menu is."

The bartender looked between the two of them. "For you and the young man, miss?"

"Did I stutter?" Gabriel clapped his hands together. "Now hurry, chop-chop." The bartender made an expression that could contend with Sam's bitchface, but went to work making the beverages.

"I'm not a fan of Mud Slides."

Gabriel held up the glass of whiskey he'd order. "Well, I'm not a fan of this." He tossed his head back and drank the last of the burning liquid. He smacked his lips together and set the glass down. "But I drank it for you."

"I could have finished it for you," Sam pointed out.

Gabriel waved off the comment and twisted in his seat so his knees brushed Sam's. "So you going to tell me about your new love interest?"

"No."

Gabriel slapped his hand over his heart like he had just been shot.

Sam rolled his eyes.

"C'mon Sam, who is the lucky lady?"

Sam swirled the whiskey in his glass then set it down. He looked over his shoulder at the door then up at the clock on the wall.

Gabriel refused to let Sam leave him just yet. "Okay, fine. Don't tell me who it is, but can you at least answer my original question: what is your type, because, Sam, I've tried to take you home twice already and you are like an impenetrable wall."

Sam wrinkled his nose. "Why were you trying to take me home?"

"To pull a _M. Butterfly_ when you'd kiss me at the doorstep."

"Uh-huh." Sam glanced at the door again.

Gabriel seized Sam's arm and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "I promise I won't use whatever information you give against you for this prank war, but I make no promises if there is a second one."

Sam slouched just as the bartender brought out two drinks that looked like strawberry milkshakes. "It's more of a personality type."

"Sweet," Gabriel supplied the word disdainfully as he drank the pink beverage that really was nothing more than a strawberry milkshake with alcohol in it.

Sam lips pressed together as he tossed and turned the word in his head. "I guess. It's more than that, though. Ruby wasn't sweet, and while I wasn't in love with her, there was something there. I think it had more to do with good intentions. When I was with her, I really thought we were doing the right thing, that she wanted to help. Now, I know better." Sam shrugged then lifted the milkshake to his lips and scrunched his face as he inhaled its sugary scent.

"Anything else?" Gabriel asked.

Sam pondered for moment. "Independence. A lot of the girl's I like can take care of themselves and aren't afraid to tell me what to do."

Gabriel nodded his head. "Good. Now tell me about your hobbies and I will set up your online dating profile."

Sam snorted into his fruity drink. "Shut up."

* * *

Prank: _M. Butterfly_ had gone up in flames spectacularly, and after two weeks of failing to seduce Sam, it was time for Gabriel to go after some real ass and not just one he'd planned to leave with blue balls. It was a choice between looking for hot and willing ladies at the local strip club or the bar. His recent experience at bars with Sam had Gabriel flying to the strip club, only to flee when it was angel and devil themed. Some days he found such places cute—like watching a dog walk on its hind legs kind of cute. That night though, he wasn't in the mood to humor the role play, so he went to the bar.

The pickings were slim. The bar was filled with mostly males, and while Gabriel was willing to dip into the other side of the gender pool every now and then, the men were not dressed to impress. Well, except the guy with a baseball cap with four beer cans attached to the sides. It took a truly confident—or drunk—man to wear a hat like that, which was always impressive.

There was a trio of college-age kids seated at a table. Two girls, one guy. Gabriel watched them, taking note of their interactions until he was almost certain that the brunette and the boy were dating. Forty minutes passed and the boy and girl left behind their pretty blonde friend, who deflated as soon as they exited the bar.

Gabriel made his move quickly; he hadn't been blind to the other men looking for lonely women. He slid into the seat next her and smiled. The girl looked up, and with a few jokes to break the ice, Gabriel was buying the girl a drink and was one-step closer to sex for the night. He nodded and laughed throughout the conversation when appropriate, all the while he kept playing episodes of _Dr. Sexy M.D._ in his head.

The girl said something about using the powder room and Gabriel smiled and promised her he'd still be there when she came back, earning a giggle from her.

As he replayed one of Dr. Sexy and Dr. Piccolo's famous elevator make out scenes in his head, he was interrupted by a stray thought reminding him that technically he hadn't gotten back at Sam yet. He was a trickster; it would ruin his reputation if it ever got out that not only had he been outsmarted by a human, but his revenge against aforementioned human had failed; he'd be a laughingstock.

Gabriel scratched at the label of his beer bottle that secretly contained Mountain Dew.

He supposed it wouldn't be too bad, though, as long as everyone knew the human was Sam Winchester. The Winchesters did have a reputation of their own after all, and Sam was considered the brains of the operation.

No, it wouldn't be the worst thing if the world knew Sam Winchester had gotten one over on Loki, and unlike Dean, Sam would never flaunt it.

Beer splashed Gabriel in the face.

Gabriel blinked.

The blonde he had been flirting with was red faced and scowling. Her arm was thrust forward with the neck of her bottle angled at Gabriel.

At least he knew who had splashed him in the middle of his ponderings. Now he just needed to find out the reason for it. "Do you do this on all your first dates?"

The girl slammed the bottle down on the table. "You asshole! Just because you're hurt and upset doesn't give you the right to fuck around with your partner's heart."

"My what?"

The girl held up her hand to silence Gabriel. "Your partner was here, and he told me everything, and maybe its none of my business, but its so obvious that he loves you and he wishes he could take back what happened, which is so sad because it was not his fault."

"Wait, wait, wait!" Gabriel waved his arms in front of his chest in a crisscrossing motion. His chair scraped across the floor as he stood up. "What exactly did my 'partner' tell you? And what did he look like?"

The girl bit her bottom lip and glanced around the room nervously, only just then comprehending what a scene she had made, and that maybe, just maybe, the person she'd talked to might have been lying. She hesitated for a moment then puffed up her cheeks and huffed. "He was really tall and gorgeous. He had long hair too, and he said you left him when you found out about his…condition." The girl whispered the last word.

"Condition?" Gabriel fought the grin that threatened to spread across his face. _Oh Sammy, what lies and slander have you been spreadin'?_

"Genital Herpes," The girl mumbled.

Gabriel burst out laughing.

The girl sneered. "It's not funny! Especially how he got it, you heartless bastard. He was raped."

That cut off Gabriel's chuckles. Sam never struck him as the type to joke about such a thing. Perhaps someone had mistaken Gabriel for someone else? "Did he use the word 'rape'?"

The girl shuffled her feet and crossed her arms over her chest. "Well… no, but he said someone really close to both of you lured him to a warehouse and gave him…you know."

Gabriel guffawed and doubled-over. Tears of mirth filled his vessel's eyes. "That sneaky bastard!"

"How can you laugh about something so serious?"

"Because I'm the one who gave him Herpes."

The girl double-blinked. "What?"

Gabriel snickered, stuffing his hands in his pockets and happily strolled out of the bar, not caring that once again if he wanted to have sex it would have to be with one of his illusions. _Well played, Sam._

* * *

_Gabe…_

Gabriel's head snapped to the left, Sam's weak voice straining his ears as Gabriel tried to zero-in on where the prayer had come from. He closed his eyes to focus his senses. The prayer had been so faint, if he had been doing anything that required a minute amount of concentration he would not have heard it, but luckily he had been watching one of his favorite variety shows.

Gabriel focused on Castiel. If Sam was in trouble then the chances were Dean was too, and where Dean went Castiel was sure to follow. His brother's grace was only a few towns over, and with a flap of his wings Gabriel appeared in front of Castiel in a second.

Castiel was on his knees, cradling an unconscious Dean in his lap. The two of them were covered in splatters of blood. Beheaded and holy fried vampires littered the floor of the sewers-turned-vampire-nest.

Castiel pressed a hand to Dean's face, healing whatever injures plagued Dean, but the hunter did not rouse.

"Where's Sam?" A distant part of Gabriel cried out in panic, but it was smothered by his long forgotten soldier self, which refused to let him put the younger Winchester in danger by letting his more human side rule him now. He was calm, cool, and collected as any warrior of Heaven should be.

Castiel tore his worrying gaze away from Dean. "I don't know. Dean called for me. I arrived just in time to stop one of vampires from turning him."

Gabriel's grace bristled. He turned on heel and took a step forward, but stopped himself from continuing. He turned his head just enough so he could see Castiel over his shoulder. "You may love Dean, but he is not your only charge, Castiel."

It wasn't fair to say, and it was hypocritical, but he was more in tune with who he had been in Heaven in that moment than he had been in centuries. He was an archangel and Castiel his subordinate, even if they didn't act like it most of the time.

Gabriel tapped into his grace and explored the sewer's tunnels in seconds. He found Sam at the dead end of one of the tunnels with five dead vampires surrounding him. Sam sat upright with his back pressed against the sludge covered walls. His eyes were closed and he was drenched in blood, but his chest rose and fell, which was enough to let Gabriel relax and slip out of his soldier persona. Although, the sight of a vampire's head in Sam's lap and the body sprawled across the hunter put Gabriel on edge.

Gabriel inched toward the hunter, toeing away the carcasses that blocked his path.

Sam groaned and tensed. His eyes fluttered open as he raised his machete.

"Don't worry, it's your favorite archangel, Samsquatch."

Sam blinked up at Gabriel.

A weak smile tugged on Sam's lips before he groaned and his head forward with his eyes shut.

Gabriel crouched in front of the young man, flinging aside the vampire corpse that had been atop Sam. Now that he was only a foot away from the hunter, Gabriel could see the pallor of the boy's skin and the sweat that beaded across Sam's forehead. Gabriel ran his fingers through Sam's hair, forcing Sam to tilt his head up. The smile was still on his face. "You actually came." He said in a shuddering breath.

"You thought I wouldn't?" Gabriel examined Sam's body. He bit back a hiss of sympathetic pain when he saw a pipe lodge through Sam's leg. Blood dripped out of the wound into a small puddle on the floor. The pipe may have caused the initial damage, but so far it was the only thing keeping Sam from bleeding to death.

"You're a bit of a wild card," Sam said.

Gabriel grinned as he wrapped his hands around the pipe. "I'll take that as a compliment."

Sam grunted.

"I'm going to pull this pipe out, understood?"

Sam nodded.

"Good. Now!" Gabriel winced at the squelch as he yanked the pipe out of Sam. The string of curses that poured out of Sam simultaneously tugged on his vessel's heart and amused him; he'd never heard such a plethora of colorful language come out of Sam's mouth all at once before.

Sam took deep breaths as he tried to will the pain away. Gabriel set his hand on Sam's leg, letting his powers heal the injury. "So you and Cas fighting, or did you just miss me?"

Sam shook his head. "Dean. I didn't want to put him in danger, and I knew if Cas had to choose…" Sam trailed off, still weary from his battle. He let his head sink against the wall. He took a deep breath, his eyes meeting Gabriel's, and for a moment something akin to amusement danced in those brown depths. "I have to admit, must be nice having a guardian angel. I'm a little jealous."

"Castiel isn't a guardian angel." He knew Sam was joking, but something compelled Gabriel to correct him.

"I know." Something in Sam's face changed, and like a crack in a mirror Gabriel saw through the façade of humor.

Sam really was jealous.

Gabriel had never been good with seriousness though, so he feigned ignorance. "What? You want your personal guardian angel?"

Sam shook his head. He pressed his palms against the ground and pushed himself onto his legs. His limbs quaked under his weight, and Gabriel touched his hip to keep Sam steady as he adjusted. "It'd just be nice to know that there is someone always there. Besides Dean, you know."

"Someone you can cuddle at night," Gabriel supplied. "Because not gonna lie, but Dean doesn't strike as the type to cuddle. Although, Castiel might change that."

Sam laughed. It wasn't boisterous. Short, quiet, and simple. Enough to let Gabriel know that even though Sam was mentally and physically drained, he would be okay. Gabriel rose to his feet, walking beside Sam.

The giant stumbled, and for a second Gabriel latched his arm around Sam's waist.

When Sam regained his balance, Gabriel slid his arm off the hunter.

The two walked in silence toward where Gabriel had left Castiel with Dean. Finally, the silence became too much and Gabriel's thoughts too loud. "You know…" Gabriel winced at what he was about to say. It was going to sound so corny, but he couldn't have a repeat of what happened today. "You can pray to me. It's not like you're Dean who needs help tying his shoes."

The corner of Sam's mouth twitched up. "Thanks."

* * *

Gabriel slung his arm around Sam's shoulders as he popped into the diner booth across from Dean and Castiel. Sam and Dean flinched at his sudden appearance and scanned the room to make sure no one had noticed. Once the two were certain no one was freaking out about Gabriel flashing into the room they relaxed. "So Team Free Will is holding a meeting without me?"

"Feeling like the ugly girl at prom?" Dean said.

"Please, everyone knows I'm the one whoring it up in the bathroom with the prom king." Gabriel twirled a strand of Sam's hair around his finger. Sam's large head conveniently blocked the action from Dean and Castiel's view.

Sam frowned and cast an inquiring look Gabriel's way but didn't dislodge the archangel. "We're just having lunch."

"Right, because Castiel has nothing better to do than eat lunch with you two."

Castiel shifted in his seat, the action similar to a bird ruffling its feathers. "It is not a matter of lacking important tasks to perform. Dean has assured me that sharing meals is an important social activity that strengthens bonds, and considering the ever-looming threat of danger, I feel it important to partake in such experiences to improve our teamwork on the battlefield."

Gabriel waved his hand in a flourish. "Just say you wanted be with your boyfriend."

Dean glared, and was it just Gabriel's imagination or did Dean slide a little closer to Castiel?

_Whatever_. Gabriel had better things to think about than Dean and Castiel's stagnant relationship at the moment; he'd get back to plotting various ways to trap them in a closet once he had his afternoon dose of sugar. Gabriel's fingers slipped out of Sam's hair and he poised his hand to snap in a sundae when Sam's hand clamped around his wrist. "You're going to draw more attention to us if you snap in food that's off menu."

Gabriel looked around, and noticed two people staring who were probably questioning when he had arrived. Gabriel ripped his hand out of Sam's grasp, and mockingly wiggled in his seat like a petulant child. "But Sam, I want my ice cream _now_ , and the waitress isn't even paying attention to us. I'll have to wait _like_ ten minutes. That's if I'm lucky."

Sam rolled his eyes and pushed himself halfway out of his seat. "I have to go to the bathroom anyway, so just tell me what you want and I'll ask her for it on my way."

"You spoil me, Sammy." Gabriel grinned, crossing one leg over the over as he leaned back in his seat. "Get me a sundae with everything on it."

Sam nodded and headed toward the bathroom, making a detour along the way to talk to the waitress. She was in the middle of clearing off a table and smiled at the giant's approach. Sam talked and the girl's face lit up. She nodded her head rapidly, and hurried to the back of the diner.

Gabriel snorted at the interaction then let his eyes drift. That's when he noticed that Sam still had a nice chunk of salad left, and he still owed Sam for more than one prank. He considered putting bugs in Sam's food, but the longer he thought about it, the less he liked the idea. He did like the second idea he had, though, and with just the tiniest use of his grace he manipulated and transformed the white bowl. It didn't look any different from the outside, but there was a special surprise waiting for Sam at the bottom of the bowl now.

Satisfied with what he considered a mild prank, Gabriel let his gaze wander.

The table was oddly quiet for the trio. Castiel was always quiet, so it wasn't too surprising for him to be off in his own head somewhere, but Dean almost talked as much as Gabriel. The older hunter was eating his burger with one hand, resolutely avoiding anything having to do with Gabriel.

The archangel opened his mouth to make a snide comment about Dean putting on weigh but stopped.

He hadn't thought much about Dean eating a burger with one hand, but the more Gabriel thought about it the more he realized just how awkward Dean looked. Maybe if he were holding a burger off of the McDonald's dollar menu Dean wouldn't look like he was just one "accidental" bump away from dropping his meal, but the burger in his hand was just as wide as Dean's head and stacked with lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and more. It really should be eaten with two hands.

Gabriel trailed his gaze down the arm that to the unsuspecting eye was just casually resting at Dean's side. Gabriel saw the slight angle though and almost gaped. Dean's hand was resting on Castiel's thigh.

Gabriel had to confirm his suspicion, so he adjusted his position in the booth, feigning discomfort, and saw exactly what he had theorized.

"What?" Dean glared at Gabriel.

The archangel blinked, just then realizing he had been staring at Dean and Castiel for longer than what was considered polite. Normally, he would jump on the opportunity to tease Dean, but this new development was so unexpected that Gabriel felt like he was in the presence of a skittish animal. He didn't dare breath wrong in fear that the moment he did so the creature known as Destiel would break apart into its two halves and run away, never to join again.

"Just thinking about how awesome my sundae is going to be while you're stuck with a burger."

"Burgers are awesome." To prove his point, Dean tore a bite out of his.

Sam returned right when the waitress popped out the kitchen with large bowl of ice cream dripping in fudge and strawberry syrup with nuts, bananas, and a cherry on top. Gabriel was drooling at the sight. He didn't care if Sam was silently laughing at him with his eyes as the tall hunter slid into the booth beside him. All that mattered was that in a few seconds Gabriel's taste buds were going to be very happy.

"Here is your order, sir." The girl set the bowl down, and turned to go.

She hadn't even taken two steps by the time Gabriel picked up his spoon and dove into the ice cream, expecting nothing but sweetness.

Hot sauce burned his tongue.

Gabriel yelped, gagged, and spat the ice cream into his napkin. His vessel's skin crawled at the horror that was wasted ice cream. He then examined the sundae more thoroughly and realized that what he thought had been strawberry syrup was really hot sauce. "What kind of sociopath…"

Castiel stood up and leaned across the table. "What's wrong, Gabriel?"

Dean was tense in his seat, his gaze flickering to each patron, looking for whoever had attacked Gabriel.

Sam calmly ate his salad.

That's when Gabriel realized what had happened. Like a black and white video, Gabriel replayed the moment Sam talked to the waitress. Sam had said something that had caused the girl excitement and to rush off to fill an order while she was in the middle of something else. No one had had the chance to ruin Gabriel's sundae except the waitress and she had no reason to, but Sam…

Gabriel twisted in his seat. "You do not mess with my sweets, Sam."

Sam plucked up a lettuce leaf with his fork from his salad. He tensed and shuddered as he stared at the inside of the bowl. Taking a deep breath, Sam set the fork down—still with the lettuce on it—and Sam picked up the bowl. He held it up so Gabriel could see the image imprinted inside and scowled. The expression contrasted beautifully with the beaming clown face at the bottom of the bowl. "And you do not bring clowns into this."

The rage that had pumped through his vessel's veins and churned his grace vanished as Gabriel was reminded of the simple prank he'd just set up prior. Gabriel's lip curled upward, and he was delighted to see the Sam's mouth did something similar. Gabriel held out his hand toward Sam. "Call it a draw then?"

"I believe I'm one prank ahead of you," Sam said.

Gabriel quirked an eyebrow. "I can put worms in what's left of your salad, if you want."

Sam's hand launched into his, and they shook.

Dean and Castiel exchanged confused expressions. Dean shrugged and Castiel sat down.

Gabriel didn't point out that Castiel was pressed up against Dean's side. He also may have moved a little closer to Sam, and returned to playing with the younger Winchester's hair, but no one needed to know that other than him and Sam.

* * *

Gabriel ran his hand over the various Victoria's Secret catalogues, Sports Illustrated magazines, and Play Boy issues, searching for a lady of the night for him. They were all lovely and would make for perfect partners, but something was missing. He'd flip through the pages, see a beautiful girl that appealed to him, but just as he would conjure her into existence, he would stop himself and look at the picture again. Something was always missing.

Gabriel frowned and slumped against the couch. How could so many gorgeous women be missing such an important unidentifiable trait? Perhaps it was because they were all so beautiful? The same mussed up hair, the same plump lips, the same air brushed bodies, and the same smile and bedroom eyes. There was no spark, no individuality… and since when the fuck did Gabriel care about that?

He sighed and ran a hand over his face.

Wings rustled in front of him, and Gabriel titled his head up lazily even though his body was tense with worry. He always feared that one of these days it wouldn't be Castiel appearing in the room, but one of his other siblings.

"Hello, Gabriel."

The deep voice of his little brother rid Gabriel of his tension. He smiled up at Castiel. "Hey bro, what's up? Are you here to tell me about how you and Dean are officially a couple now?"

Castiel tensed, then slowly nodded. "I believed we were being discreet, but it seems I made an error."

"You were. I was just looking for it." Gabriel rested his hands behind his head. "So how'd Sam do it?"

Castiel tilted his head to the side.

Gabriel sighed in exasperation. "What did Sam do to make you and Dean confess your undying love for each other?"

Castiel's brow knitted. "Sam did not force us to do anything. He was very encouraging and supportive, though, when I discussed pursuing a relationship with Dean."

Gabriel's eyebrows shot up and he straightened. "Wait. You're saying Sam did nothing? He didn't even suggest you go out and buy Dean flowers or something equally cheesy?"

Castiel shook his head, but stopped in the middle of the action. "He did offer to distract you. I told him it wasn't necessary, however, it seems I was blinded by my infatuation with Dean and did not realize at the time that such a task would not…" Castiel paused. For a moment his face hardened and Gabriel could see the calculating warrior that lay beneath the naïve facet of his brother's personality. "I am not just here to announce my relationship with Dean."

"Oh?" Gabriel faked innocence, but his inside were curling with anticipation. Whatever Castiel was about to say was important, and such news was usually really bad.

"You were right, Gabriel. Dean is not my only charge, and there have been many times when I have neglected Sam over Dean, however, I plan to atone for my mistakes. My first step toward that goal is to issue a warning." The lights flickered in the room, and the shadow of Castiel's wings covered the wall behind the small angel. "Do not hurt Sam Winchester."

Laughter burst from Gabriel and he smacked his knee. "You're warning me," he pointed at his chest, "not to harm Sam? Someone has obviously found out about recreational drugs and has taken a house full of them." Castiel's frowned and Gabriel huffed in annoyance. "Oh, don't pout, Cassie. I'll still love you, even if you're totally baked."

A flicker of confusion contorted Castiel's face, but he brushed aside the emotion to take a step forward, returning to his intimidation tactics. "I am serious, Gabriel."

"So am I." Gabriel zapped a cherry-flavored sucker into his mouth.

"You are lying, not just about our current situation, but to yourself. You have developed a fondness for Sam Winchester, and you have demonstrated on numerous occasions what it is you like to do with humans when they have captured your attention, both in positive and negative ways." Castiel paused, letting his words sink in. "I cannot claim to know much about Sam's preferences in partners or relationships, but from what little information the brothers have given me, Sam desires more than just a night of carnal activities. If such a night is all you crave then I ask that you leave Sam alone to pursue a relationship with someone else."

Gabriel rolled his tongue around the sucker in his mouth, pondering what Castiel had said. Sam was good-looking. One night would definitely be fun, albeit awkward if Gabriel thought about the fact that Sam was Lucifer's vessel, however, Gabriel knew once he got that sculpted body over or under him, any weirdness would fade away. The more he thought about it, the more Gabriel knew he would want more than one round with Sam—there were so many positions to try—but an actual relationship…? That he would need more time to mull over.

Gabriel popped the sucker out of his mouth. "And if I wanted a relationship?"

"Then I would not stand in your way."

Gabriel hummed in thought, placing the sucker against his lips.

Castiel stared at him, as if expecting Gabriel to tell him exactly what the archangel had planned for Sam at that moment.

"I'm thinking about it," Gabriel said, his tone coming off a tad snide. He did not like being pressured or rushed. Heck, after the TV Land incident it had taken all of his willpower not to hunt down Dean and deliver some divine justice to the hypocritical asshole.

Castiel gave a slight nod and then flew out of the hotel room.

Gabriel bent forward, propping his arm on his leg and resting his chin in his palm as he eyed the many magazines that covered the coffee table.

Beautiful girls and he could have them all, but they would just be imitations, and illusions were never as good as the real thing. He could get the real thing too, though. He would just have to change his appearance or put himself in the right place at the right time, and he could probably have sex with most them. It would be better than his illusions, but they were just bodies and he was starving for something more.

The last time he had wanted such a relationship, Kali had wandered into his life. It had been fun, and the sex had been great, but in the end it just fizzled out. She wanted to cause the destruction of the world, and he wanted to keep playing in it; it just wasn't meant to be. Also, she seemed to only appreciate his "lessons" and found his more harmless pranks tedious and stupid.

Sam and him wanted to keep the world from ending, though. Sam also had happily engaged Gabriel in a prank war. Sure, the kid chastised Gabriel for pulling pranks too, but it was more out of wanting to keep everyone from ripping each others' throats out. How could Gabriel, the angel who ran away from home because he couldn't stand the fighting, begrudged someone for that?

The sucker had melted away in Gabriel's mouth, and the angel ran a hand through his blond hair, hating how serious his thoughts had turned.

He dug his hand between the couch cushions and pulled out the remote to the TV across the room. He turned it on and shuddered as _The Hills Are Alive_ filled the room. He then smiled as he remembered he had been engaged in a prank war with Dean right before Sam swooped in and stole his attention away.

" _He did offer to distract you, though_." Castiel's words bounced around in Gabriel's head.

" _I told him it wasn't necessary…"_ Gabriel turned down the volume on the TV.

" _I was blinded …and did not realize…that such a task would not…"_

Gabriel smirked as he changed the channel. _Oh Sammy, I never realized how sneaky you are._

* * *

Candles covered the counters, nightstands, and the table of the motel room the Winchesters were staying in as they hunted for some creature that didn't stand a chance against them. A chilled bottled of champagne sat on the table with two glasses halfway filled. Barry Manilow played in the background even though there was no radio or CD player in the room, and a trail of red rose petals led up to the king-sized bed that Gabriel had replaced the two Queens with, which was where he lay. Naked.

This was both a prank and seduction.

Dean's muffled voice could be heard approaching the door, and Gabriel's positioned himself on his side, arm propping up is head and his goods on display for whoever walked through the door.

The knob turned and there was a click as the latch moved. The door swung open to reveal Dean.

Gabriel smirked.

"Agh!" Dean threw a hand over his face and whirled away. "My eyes!"

Gabriel chuckled. "Enjoy your new room, Dean." He snapped his fingers and Dean disappeared from the door frame. Gabriel had put Dean the room five doors down on the right, and had left two pies for the hunter to enjoy while Gabriel had fun with Sam.

Sam raced into the room, gun pulled out and his eyes wide with panic. When he saw Gabriel lying naked, surrounded by candles and Barry Manilow music playing in the background, most of the tension faded from Sam's shoulders. "What did you do to Dean?"

Gabriel snorted. "I'm lying here on display for you, and all you want to know is where I put your brother?"

"Yeah."

Gabriel released an exaggerated sigh. "He's just a few rooms down, don't worry." Gabriel grinned wickedly and patted the mattress. "Now come join me and we can teach Barry Manilow how to make real music."

One corner of Sam's mouth quirked, but he staved off his smile. He was still tense, and Gabriel could sense that the boy was slightly suspicious about the situation. "I thought we called it a truce on the prank war?"

Gabriel snapped and the candles, rose petals, and music disappeared. He grinned as he sat up and roved his eyes over Sam's body, excitement thrumming through his body. "All right, so I may have gone a little overboard for a few laughs, but that doesn't mean I'm not serious about my offer, or maybe I should say 'your reward'."

Sam swallowed hard and back stepped. "Do mind putting your clothes back on, because I'm really confused, and I'd prefer for you not to be naked while explaining to me what's going on.

Gabriel stood up, reveling how Sam did his best to avoid glancing at a certain body part of Gabriel's and failed. "Am I too _distracting_ , Sam?"

Sam turned his head away, shielding the side of his face with his hand. "Gabriel, please?"

Gabriel huffed and zapped his jeans back on, but remained shirtless. "Better?"

Sam lowered his hand and looked at Gabriel from the corner of his eye. All the tension left Sam's body. "Yes. So what is going on here?"

Gabriel sauntered up to Sam, running his hand over Sam's chest. "A little angel may have let it slip that someone volunteered to distract me from making sure my little brother and Dean got in each others' pants. This same angel also told me that I wasn't allowed to hurt you, and it got me thinking." Gabriel slid his arm up Sam's pectorals, earning a shudder. The reaction had Gabriel's insides jumping with glee and desire. His hands traced over Sam's shoulders and then locked together behind Sam's neck. "Now while I can definitely hurt you in many ways, the implication was that I'd love you and leave you, which shouldn't cause you any pain if its just for gratification." Gabriel grounded his hips against Sam's to emphasis the point. Sam's hot breath brushed across Gabriel's face. "So that must mean that you must want me in more than just a physical way."

Sam's head snapped backward like he'd been slapped. He tried to slip out of Gabriel's hold, but Gabriel refused to let go. He had Sam right where he wanted him. "I've decided I like you."

Sam stiffened in his arms and looked down at Gabriel in disbelief.

Gabriel hands reached into Sam's hair and pushed the hunter's head down to his own. Their foreheads touched and their breathes mingled, but Gabriel kept a short distance between their lips. "It's not easy to trick me, Samsquatch, and you've done it multiple times." The biggest trick being the one Gabriel hadn't even realized had been played on him until Castiel arrived in his hotel room. Sam had completely and utterly sidetracked him from his original mission: to get Dean and Castiel together. "So you win."

He pulled Sam's head down that last inch between their lips and clashed their mouths together. His grace flared to life at the contact, and Gabriel found himself uncontrollably pressing his lips harder against Sam's as he prodded Sam's salty and soft lips with his tongue. He felt another burst of his grace as Sam opened his mouth and together they deepened the kiss. It was exactly what he had been craving, and he enjoyed the sensation so much that he cursed the fact that humans needed to breath as he let Sam go.

Sam took two deep breaths. A shy smile danced on his lips. "So by 'you win' do you mean that this is a one time thing or—"

Gabriel smacked Sam lightly on the back of head before he could finish his stupid question. He scowled for a second to communicate without words to Sam that any questioning of his sincerity and commitment would not be appreciated. He then let his mouth curl into a mischievous smile as his fingers massaged the back of Sam's scalp. "It means that Dean and Castiel are going to have some serious competition for prom king and queen."

Laughter ripped from Sam, and he leaned down, pressing his forehead into Gabriel's.

Gabriel really did love that laugh.

With a mock growl, Gabriel wrapped his arms around Sam's waist, and with his angelic strength picked Sam up and tossed the hunter on the bed. Sam bounced on the mattress with a grunt.

Gabriel pounced on him, slamming his mouth onto Sam's for another heated kiss. He pulled back to admire the lips that he knew would already be tinged red from their kissing. He was caught off guard when Sam tilted his head back and stared at the alarm clock on the nightstand. "Yup. Not even five seconds into this relationship and I'm already pinned on the bed."

Gabriel shortened the distance between them by centimeters. "And you have no idea how agonizingly painful it was just to wait that long."

Sam laughed and tugged Gabriel down for another kiss.

* * *

End.

**Author's Note:**

> Fanfic previously posted [ here](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9775469/1/Lessons-in-Seduction-and-Prank-Wars).


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